Stranger Danger
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room) G-man: Hello, everyone! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. Well, seeing as how I’m still in therapy over Too Smart for Strangers, it’s natural that I return to the world of Stranger Danger! This one comes from the YouTube channel belonging to the Mesquite Independent School District in Texas. Its name? It’s literally called Stranger Danger! (Cut to clips from the video) G-man (V.O): This video was published on February 23rd in 2012, and it has around three hundred thousand views. And I imagine it got them because of Chadtronic, and possibly more because of me. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Unlike the Eddie Eagle video, this one has the likes and comments enabled. And of course, you’ll find a bunch of them saying "Like this if you’re watching in 2019!". Well, here it is: Let’s learn about Stranger Danger! (Cut to the opening scene) G-man (V.O): It opens with a couple of kids watching TV when the signal is suddenly hijacked by something called KKID. Girl: What is this? Change the channel. (The boy does so, but it keeps bringing them back to KKID. The kids shrug before the TV shows two other kids in a news studio) Girl: Don’t bother touching that dial, we are controlling your television. (Cut to the G-man unplugging a plug from a wall outlet) G-man: Thug life. (Cut back to the video) Girl: Anyway, our story today is about strangers. Earlier today, a young boy got away from a stranger trying to get him into her car. Boy: This 7-year-old boy escaped harm because of some valuable information he learned from a police officer. Girl: We have a reporter, Misty, live on the scene with the boy. (Cut back to the G-man holding a microphone) G-man (Imitating Trisha from Family Guy): Tom, I’m standing here with the young boy who just narrowly- (He switches back to his normal voice) What the fuck am I talking about? (Cut back to the video) Misty: Thank you, Kimberly. I’m here with 7-year-old Kevin who just barely escaped from a stranger! (To Kevin) Can you tell us what happened here today? (Cut to a poorly-filmed flashback) Kevin: Well, I was on my way to my friend’s house, and this lady drove up to me and said that her dog had run away, and she was trying to look for him. G-man (V.O): What did they film this part with, the same laptop camera that was also used to take UFO pictures? Anyway, he explains that he got away because he knew it was a stranger, and then he calls the police to give a description on what she looked like. Then we go back to the studio where they’re interviewing an officer. Boy: Officer Upton, thank you for helping us with our show. Can you our viewers what a stranger looks like, and what they should do if a stranger approaches them? Upton: A stranger can be anyone; a man, a woman, or a teenager. Someone that you don’t know, and it makes no difference on what they look like, or what they drive. (As the officer is talking, a puppet moves a blue chair up the screen beside him. Cut back to the G-man looking confused) G-man: What the-? Was that a-? Why was it-? (He facepalms) What was the point of that?! (Cut back to the video) G-man (V.O): After the officer goes on and on, we get… (Cut to a sign on a building that reads "Safe Place") Wow, that’s so misleading! It might have also said "We’re the Good Guys"! Also, let’s skip this random song number. Anyway, we then get breaking news that a girl was almost kidnapped by a stranger at the supermarket reported by… Puppet: This is Lester with KKID reporting to you live from the supermarket toy aisle. Where, earlier today, we caught a situation on video that everyone could avoid if they would only stay close to their parents while shopping. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Lester, huh? How much do you wanna bet that his first name is Mo? (The sound of a crowd booing is heard briefly before we cut back to the video) Stranger: Hey, little girl. (Cut) Your mother’s waiting for you out in the parking lot. She sent me to come get you. C’mon, let’s go see her! (Cut back to Lester) Lester: Oh my! If that little girl goes with that strange man, we might not ever see her again! G-man (V.O sarcastically): Wow, how uplifting! (In normal tone) Anyway, the girl says that if a stranger tries to grab you, fight with all your might and call for help. And then we get kids learning how to say no to a stranger via another song sequence. (As Officer Upton is singing, a bunch of random pictures of strangers pop up. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Wow! Good use of those stock photos you have lying around! Don’t you hate it when you’re minding your own business, and all of a sudden- (A stock photo of a pile of peanuts pops up over the G-man’s face) I hate my editor… Pivot (From offscreen): Fuck you too! (Cut back to the video) Kimberly: Well, that’s all for our special report. (The puppet from before is pulling a rope where on the other side is the same puppet. As soon as they’re offscreen, Kimberly speaks again) But before we leave you, we want to review steps to keep strangers away from you. Kevin: If a stranger ever comes up to you, just say no, run, and tell. Misty: Never get into a car with a stranger! Boy: If you put your name on clothing or books, only put last names. That way, strangers can’t make you think that they know you by calling out your first name. Lester: When shopping, stay with your parents at all times. Girl: Remember: Strangers can look like anyone, so be very careful! Upton: Boys and girls, if you or your parents need more information about strangers, or how to be safe, contact your local police or sheriff’s department. They’ll be glad to tell you all about it. (Cut to a bit later in the video) Kimberly: Play close to home and at by the house, and let your parents know where you are at all times. (Cut to the puppet that kept appearing throughout the video) Puppet: What’s the difference between a big hill, and a big pill? Audience (V.O simultaneously): I don’t know, what? Puppet: A big hill is hard to get up, and a big pill is hard to get down! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Oookaaay… I guess that was Stranger Danger. Unlike Too Smart for Strangers with Winnie the Pooh, I don’t think it got the message across as well as the previous one did. And besides, I’m pretty sure that puppet at the end was from- (He suddenly covers his mouth with both hands. After a while, he uncovers it) I’m not saying it. Because if I say it, I have to review it! There’s no way in hell that I’m saying Peppermint Park! (Cut to a black screen with white text that reads "Next Time: More Peppermint Park!". After a short while, the G-man’s voice is heard) G-man (V.O): FUCK! Category:Episode